It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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