I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
