who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
