It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
