I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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