Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
So apparently I’m into choking now
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