guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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