he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
