i think my tv is drunk
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
