I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
