You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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