I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
you had me at cake vodka
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
All the doctor said was why
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
