i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Green mimosas i think yes
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
