I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
