Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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