life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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