Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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