so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?