Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
