Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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