I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
is it fun? or sober?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
