Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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