I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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