why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
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Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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