You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
