you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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