I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
