She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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