oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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