do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
