I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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