The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
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I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
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Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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