i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
