im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
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Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
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I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I can't turn off my feet"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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