You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
