I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
