so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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