I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
