But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize