the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
