How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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