I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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