My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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