For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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