i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize