i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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