fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Randomize
