I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
