So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
