Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
