if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
