are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Pants are for mortals
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
