I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
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There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
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We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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