I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
