At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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