is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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