ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
