today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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