I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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